Freelance Falcon ~ Weird Jhola-Chhap thing ~ ज़हन
- Mohit Sharma (Trendy Baba / Trendster)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Fire's Sermon

"Shyama!"

This word, this name is placed in my memory with an audio file. Voice of my neighbor Mr. Sumit Talwar calling his wife loud and..sounding...harsh. Though, Shyama was often heard laughing and seen standing on a balcony smiling. Few neighbors residing close were amazed by such contrasting voices. One thing was sure that she was happy and everyone was unable to decipher Mr. Talwar’s expressions and actions to say that A 'muscleman', his every action and word was like a semi-slow motion and surprisingly delicate considering his heavyweight frame. Mr. Talwar’s first impression to many was ignorant and rude. Almost zero social circle, very poor attendance in festive or social gatherings, almost no facial expressions like Rahul Dravid batting on the Fourth Boring day of Cricket test match heading towards a Draw.

Yesterday was like any other day. Then I heard a blast. It was like a Bomb blast. But bomb blasts were ‘far away’ from majority of India. People rushed (or many looked) outside to expect something thrilling to change their ordinary day.

Half the house of Talwars was on fire. The cooking gas cylinder burst while Shyama was preparing food in the kitchen. Besides, Sumit was badly injured. Burnt part of his formal office clothes sticking to his body. Inert and burnt Shyama was in his hands. I don’t know about the degrees of burns but her body was a black sticky mess.

I called 101 (Fire Service) for a Fire Brigade. They told me that someone already informed them and the fire brigade is on it's way.

Sumit was crying and shouting random things. He was doing everything he never did or probably he never showed anyone except Shyama. He was repeatedly kissing her, talking to her. His trademark slow motions vanished as he jumped, bumped and ran, moved like a 'Black Cat' Commonado. His car was in a service station so he ran to all the houses in colony and asked for Help or Car to rush to Hospital but before anyone could respond he moved to next house as if he was waiting for that person’s reply for quite some time.

Few moments later the Talwars were rushed to Hospital. Fire brigade extinguished the fire. Humming sound of crowd taking, asking, calling, sharing assumptions and framed facts.

Mr. Sumit taught me (and maybe few other neighbours) a lesson....for rest of my life. Everything differs from person to person. Since then I never generalize a person by knowing some of his/her characteristics. As every individual's personality has so many aspects according to that person's upbringing, interests, profession, etc which are hidden from almost everyone. We (majority) have several stereotyped standards and if someone is not good in those specific things....we tag him/her with negative adjectives like rude, ignorant, selfish, bad, without knowing so many things about that individual.

The End!

Author notes -


*) - Rahul Dravid is one of the most experienced cricketers in the Indian national cricket team, of which he has been a regular member since 1996. Don't ask me what is cricket...cousin of Baseball.

*) - The National Security Guard is a Special Response Unit in India that has primarily been utilized for counter-terrorism activities. The NSG members are also known as Black Cat Commandos.

*) - For Fire Service and related emergencies dial 101 (in India).

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

ये उनका शहर है!





भोपाल स्थित यूनियन कार्बाइड कम्पनी के कारखाने से एक हानिकारक गैस का रिसाव हुआ जिससे लगभग 15000 से अधिक लोगो की जान गई तथा बहुत सारे लोग अंधापन के शिकार हुए. भोपाल गैस काण्ड विश्व इतिहास का ऐसा नासूर है जो हर दिसम्बर मे बहुत बुरी टीस देता है. हालाँकि, इस घटना से पीड़ित लोगो की संख्या लाखो मे है और वहाँ जन्म लेने वाले बच्चे अब भी अपंग पैदा होते है. मुझे ये नहीं जानना की किसकी गलती है है.....मुझे बस 26 सालो के दर्द की दवा और उन करोडो आंसुओ को पोछने वाले हाथ चाहिए जिनसे सत्ता और पैसे की गंध ना आये.

जब भोपाल गैस काण्ड के दोषियों की बात होती है तो ऐसा लगता है हर चीज़ उन्होंने खरीद ली है...शायद ये शहर भी! ये ग़ज़ल भोपाल गैस त्रासदी पर लिखी है.


ये उनका शहर है!

कातिल आँधियों मे किसका ये असर है?
दिखता क्यों नहीं है हवा मे जो ज़हर है?
चीखें सूखती सी कहाँ मेरा बशर है?
ये उनका शहर है....

धुँधला आसमां क्यों शाम-ओ-सहर है?
आदमखोर जैसा लगता क्यों सफ़र है?
ढलता क्यों नहीं है ये कैसा पहर है?
ये उनका शहर है....

जानें लीलती है ख़ूनी जो नहर है.
माझी क्यों ना समझे कश्ती पर लहर है?
हुआ एक जैसा सबका क्यों हषर है?
ये उनका शहर है...

रोके क्यों ना रुकता...हर दम ये कहर है?
है सबके जो ऊपर..कहाँ उसकी मेहर है?
जानी तेरी रहमत किस्मत जो सिफर है!
ये उनका शहर है....

इंसानों को तोले दौलत का ग़दर है!
नज़र जाए जहाँ तक मौत का मंज़र है!
उजड़ी बस्तियों मे मेरा घर किधर है?
ये उनका शहर है...

Monday, August 23, 2010

मंद है यह समाज!




शारीरिक या मानसिक रूप से अपंग लोगो को हमेशा से समाज मे उपेक्षित नज़रो से देखा जाता है. उनसे न ज्यादा उमीदें लगायी जाती है और न ही उनके विकास पर ध्यान दिया जाता है. अगर उनका विकास ढेर सारे स्नेह और सहनशीलता के साथ हो तो वो भी हमारे समाज की प्रगति मे महत्त्वपूर्ण योगदान दे सकते है. ये कविता इस विषय पर है.-



वो मासूम है,
पर मजबूर नहीं.
वो तड़प है,
पर नासूर नहीं.

उनके जीवन के हर कदम पर मुश्किल पल है आते,
पर बदले मे वो हमसे सहानुभूति नहीं चाहते.

वो लडखडाये,
उन्हें चलने दो.
वो गिर जाये,
उन्हें संभलने दो.
वो 'हम' मे से एक है,
उन्हें 'इस' एहसास के साथ भी जीने दो.

माना की कुदरत की गलती से सामाजिक दौड़ गये ये हार,
पर खुद मे है वो बहुत ख़ास.
तानो के नहीं है ये हक़दार,
ये मांगते है प्यार...हाँ, सिर्फ प्यार.
हो सके तो इनका मजाक उड़ाने के बजाये,
इनसे 'जीने का जज्बा' ले लीजिये उधार.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Unity in Diversity

You

are

my

best

friend.

Followers

of

different

religions,

We

brainwashed

each other

for

years.

Now you are 'me' and I am 'you'.

देश माँगे 'मुझे'




मलीन बस्तियों के पास.....
दिन के उजाले को "रोशन" करती स्ट्रीट लाइट्स है चिढाती.

भूख से बिलखते बच्चो के बगल मे......
किसी नयी फ़ूड चेन के प्रमोशन मे लगी स्टाल मुँह बनाती.

दुकान पर काम करते किसी "छोटू" की बेबसी...
अक्सर मेरी खिल्ली उडाती.

दूर गाँव मे अभी भी किसी की चिठ्ठी न पहुँच पाती.....
और शहर मे किसी किशोर के मोबाइल पर डाउनलोडेड रिंगटोंस ताने मार कर जाती.

रोज़ कितने ही बेगारी मे मरते....
पर किसी फिल्मस्टार की बीमारी सबको फ़िक्र मे लाती.

मेरे देश को मेरी ज़रुरत है....
ये सब बातें शायद मुझे यही याद दिलाती.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

अहमियत




नन्हे शौकत ने अपने पहले रमजान को माना,
कुरान शरीफ की अहमियत को जाना,
था वो नन्ही सी जान,
पर उसके रोजो मे साफ़ झलकता था उसका ईमान.
अब्बू-अम्मी की था वो जान,
अप्पी और भाई को करता था हरदम परेशान.

शौकत की फ़िक्र मे किसी को नींद ना आती,
सबका चाहे जो हो पर नन्हे की सहरी कभी ना छूट पाती.
और तब तो मिलता सबको इफ्तार का अलग ही मज़ा,
जब शाम के वक़्त खुलता शौकत का रोज़ा.
अभी तो इसने ज़िन्दगी को शुरू भर किया,
फिर भी मज़हब को कई "बड़ो" से बेहतर समझ लिया.

एक रोज़ सब इंतज़ार मे थे की वो सब इफ्तार कर पायें,
जब अब्बू काम से घर लौटकर आये.
देर तक भी जब अब्बू की कोई खबर नहीं मिली,
आज शौकत भूखे पेट ही पढने चला गया तराबी.
अगले दिन तक उनकी कोई खबर न मिलने पर हर कोई बेचैन दिख रहा था,
इस घर का ये रोज़ा भी लम्बा खींच रहा था.

कुछ रोज़ तक कुछ पता ना चलने पर मायूसी का मंज़र फैला रहा,
जिद्दी शौकत का रोज़ा भी लम्बा खींचता गया.
इस नन्हे बंदे ने चुना अजब सा रास्ता,
खुदा को देने लगा खुदा का ही वास्ता.
जब इंतेहा की हद पार कर गया इंतज़ार,
दिया गया उनकी गुमशुदगी का इश्तेहार.
अखबारों को बताया गया शौकत के अब्बू का हुलिया और नाम,
साथ ही बताया गया उनके बारे मे पुख्ता खबर देने वाले को 20,047 रुपयों का इनाम.

"20,000 तो ठीक है, ये 47 रुपये अलग से क्यों जोड़ दिए?"

"ये 47 रुपये बाकी 20,000 से ज्यादा अहम है...साहब,
जो शौकत ने अपने अब्बू के लिए अपनी गुल्लक तोड़ कर है दिये!!"

The Art of Bargaining




Mickey Bond is a worker in South African embassy in India. He loves India and its diverse culture. He is a happy man but with one big problem. He can’t handle too much pressure. Mickey's behavior in tense situations is inscrutable. Otherwise, he is okay. His cousin, Aladin Bond is on a World tour and staying with Mickey to visit India. Mickey tells Aladin about popular street markets of India where according to him "Bargaining" is the key.

Mickey Bond - Bargaining is a very important, and even expected, part of shopping at markets in India. Shopkeepers in India hope to charge you a higher rate to raise their monthly income. You want to save money as your budget is running low. But the streets are filled with colorful and enticing items to buy so how do you buy something without getting ripped off? The idea is to start below what you are willing to pay.

Mickey takes Aladin to weekly Monday Market in his locality.

Mickey Bond (With James Bond expressions) – Let me show you how it’s done.

Mickey walks to a wooden stall.

Mickey – This green shirt with embroidery. How Much?

Shopkeeper – Four Hundred Rupees.

Mickey – No, it’s too much. I can pay you Forty Rupees for this.

Mickey thought the Shopkeeper will offer the shirt at lower price but Shopkeeper was an enthusiastic young man, new in business.

Shopkeeper – No, Sahib! Four Hundred Rupees.

Mickey – No, Forty! Look..my name is Bond....Mickey Bond!

Shopkeeper – I am Popeye the Spider man! Four Hundred.

Mickey (Returning to 'original Mickey look' from James Bond expressions) – Forty!

Shopkeeper – Four Hundred!

Mickey – Forty!

Shopkeeper – Four Hundred!

This Four Hundred versus Forty went on for few more seconds and Mickey Bond was 'pressurized' enough to shout......

Mickey – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Okay, final! Four Hundred Forty?

The End!


Since many of you are reading this page to get some tips on Bargaining. :p Here's the best way to go about it to make sure you don't pay too much at India's markets. Though, gradually Department stores, Supermarkets, Shopping Malls, Hypermarkets, etc are replacing local unorganized, desi markets.

*) - To get a feel for how much goods should cost, visit some fixed price stores first.

*) - In street markets, as a general rule, don't pay more than half the initial asking price of any items. Sometimes it's possible to pay less, especially if you buy more than one item.

*) - Shop keepers consider the first sale of the day to be lucky, so shop early and they may give you a better price to get your business.

*) - Never reveal how much you're interested in an item. Always pretend to be indifferent as to how much you want it.

*) - Start the bargaining process by asking the shop keeper "Is this your best price?" or "Is a discount possible?".

*) - The price will immediately be dropped a small amount. Tell the shop keeper that the item is still way too expensive. You'll then be asked how much you're prepared to pay.

*) - When it's your turn to offer a price, make sure you start with a low amount that's well below what you're prepared to pay. Around one third of the quoted price is a good amount.

*) - If the shop keeper isn't dropping the price enough, walk away. Usually this will result in an immediate reduction in the asking price. If it doesn't, it's an indication that your price is too low. You can either go back and keep negotiating, or try and find the item cheaper somewhere else.

*) - It's a good idea to walk around the market and see all that's on offer first, before buying anything. It's common to find the same items for sale in a number of shops.

*) - Lastly, keep in mind that bargaining is meant to be fun. Many shop keepers enjoy it, as the interaction breaks up the monotony of their day.

Friday, August 13, 2010

वो 'दावा' नही था!






कल था जुम्मा....और थी ईद,
पर साथियों के साथ अपने फ़र्ज़ मे मशगूल थे मिया खालिद.
वर्दी पहने कुछ बन्दों पर हो गए शायद फ़रिश्ते तक मुरीद,
फ़र्ज़ तो पूरा हुआ...पर एनकाउंटर मे अपराधियों के अलावा हो गए खालिद समेत कुछ पुलिसकर्मी शहीद.

जिंदगी को फ़र्ज़ के लिए कई दांव पर लगा देते है जैसे हो कोई जुआ,
उनके लिए लोग सुस्ताते से कहते है......"चलो एक पुलिसवाला कम हुआ."

इमानदारो की भी हो जाती है नब्ज़ सुस्त,
जब मानवाधिकार, विपक्ष आदि के ज़ोर से अक्सर पुलिस एनकाउंटर पर जांच कमेटीयां होती है नियुक्त.

तब तो फूट ही पड़ा उनकी बीवी के आक्रोश का लावा,
जब अगले दिन अख़बार मे ख़बर छपी....."पुलिस द्वारा एनकाउंटर करने का एक और 'दावा'.

समाप्त!!!!!


किसी वर्ग, समूह, समाज, महकमे, आदि का generalization यानी उस से जुड़े लोगो के बारे मे उन्हें जाने बिना ग़लत धारणाएं बनाना बहुत ग़लत बात है. पर ऐसी बातें अक्सर देखने, सुनने, को मिल जाती है. हर व्यक्ति मे हर गुण और बात दूसरे से अलग होती है तो फिर उसे जाने बिना उस पर सुनी सुनाई राय बनाना कैसे सही हो सकता है? कई विषयों पर हम जो सोचते है वो हमारी सोच नही बल्कि मीडिया, पढ़ाई, पुरखो....आदि की हम पर थोपी गई सोच होती है. जैसे पुलिस का महकमा.....एक 5-6 साल का बच्चा, जिसको सड़क पार करने मे भी मदद की ज़रुरत हो वो तक पुलिस की बुराई पर निबंध लिख सकता है. पुलिस तो समाज का हिस्सा है.....जैसा समाज उसे बनाएगा वैसी वो बन जायेगी.....ऐसा ही बाकी महकमों और लोगो के साथ होता है. इसी विषय पर यह कविता लिखी है.

वो खुश है!





Story of an unskilled worker from India whose family is struggling for basic necessities. To raise their standard of living he migrates to foreign country and is exploited. He gets very less money but even the less 'foreign money' is valuable enough when converted to Indian Rupee. So, he "happily" suffers........

वो खुश है! -


मिटाने परिवार की मजबूरी,
निकला वो परदेस करने मजदूरी.
परदेस सपनो से उलट निकला,
मालिको से उसे जानवरों सा बर्ताव मिला.
घिसट-घिसट के बना वो बंधवा,
पर तसल्ली थी....
की घिसटने से मिले परदेसी सिक्को से खूब बनता था देसी रुपया.
और इसलिए वो खुश था....
हाँ, शायद वो खुश था.

"चिट्ठी लिखने का वक़्त कहाँ मिलता,
यहाँ खूब काम करना जो पड़ता,
जब टेलीफोन की लाइन अपने गाँव तक खींच जाएगी,
तब ढंग से अपने दिल की डोर बंध पाएगी.

काम के बोझ ने बना दिया है बैल कोल्हू,
सब कहते है धीरे-धीरे सीख जाऊंगा....अभी नया जो हूँ.

पैसे भेजे है उनको संगवा लेना,
सब रुके काम पूरे करवा देना.
छोटू दोबारा स्कूल जाएगा,
पिता जी का चश्मा भी इस महीने आएगा.

घर की छत बनवा लेना,
और उस लालची प्रधान के पैसे चुकता देना.
अभी कुछ और साल घर नहीं आ पाऊंगा,
पर मेहनत करके हम सबके लिए खूब पैसा कमाऊंगा.

परदेस मे हर सुविधा है मिल जाती,
खाने-पानी से लेकर बिजली हर वक़्त है आती.

एक चीज़ और है जो हर वक़्त है आती.....
.....घर की याद...जो बहुत सताती.

हमारी ख़ुशी के लिए ये दूरियां सहनी पड़े तो बिना शिकन सहूँ,
घर ना सही...घर की याद ही संजोकर रहूँ...और...
....और मै खुश हूँ,
हाँ, मै बहुत खुश हूँ.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

"Komodo Dragon Walk is sexier than Cat Walk!"





Place : Yangon (Rangoon), Burma.

Occasion : A regional Beauty Pageant.

Final Round.

Judge – What is more sensual....sexier than a Cat Walk?

Contestant (A Biotechnology Undergraduate Student)– Sir, Definitely a "Komodo Dragon Walk" moving his/her/it’s bottom 75 Degrees both sides. That’s 45 Degrees more than a standard Cat Walk. Salamanders are also very close..losing the 'bottom twist battle' just by few degrees.

Judge - Good, you are selected.....

Contestant - Wow! I knew how to impress anyone...you know as they always say beauty with brains.

Judge - .....for the United Nations Zoological Data Collection, Analysis and Research Program.....and the regional branch of United Nations is 4.7 kilometers that's 4700 meters from here. Best of Luck and Bye!

The End!

Author notes -


The sexy-est walk on this planet for me.

Komodo Dragons - Animal X Classic Series 1 -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4B528xdGSI

Walking with Komodo Dragons (After 45 Seconds) -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxxAobrnYQw&feature=related

कोई नहीं आया!!




बेटी अपने परिवार मे ऐसी रम गयी,
अपने "पापा जी" की खैर-खबर लेने की उसे सुध ना रही.
बेटे की नौकरी विदेश मे लगी,
वहीँ उसने अपनी गृहस्ती बसा ली.

माँ को पहले ही काल आया,
पर उनका कोई बच्चा ना आया.

पिता को हुई लम्बी बीमारी,
बूढे शरीर को खुद ही करनी पड़ी सालो तक अपनी तीमारदारी,
पर ना कभी उनका उनका बेटा आया और ना बेटी.

कमर गयी झुक,
पेंशन गयी रुक,
खिड़की से अक्सर बाहर निहारते,
दूसरो की ख़ुशी मे.....अपने गम बिसारते.

भावनाएं टूटने लगी बनके कहर,
ज़िन्दगी लगने लगी ज़हर,
काटने को दौड़ता खाली-खाली सा घर.
वो वीरान राह पर दर्द छलकाने यूँ ही चल पड़े.......
कुछ देर बाद सड़क दुर्घटना मे वो हमेशा के लिए चल बसे......

अधेड़ की शत-विक्षत लाश की कोई पहचान नहीं कर पाया,
लावारिस लाश को आखिर अंजानो ने जलाया.

.....पर उनका कोई अपना नहीं आया.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

मुझे घर जाने से लगता डर!


बेरोज़गारी हमारे समाज की विकट समस्याओं मे से एक है. शिक्षा के मूलभूत ढांचे मे कमी, बढती जनसँख्या, कमज़ोर सरकारी तंत्र....वजह तो बहुत है पर इनके सीधे से समाधानों पर कभी अमल नहीं हुआ. मैंने पोस्ट-ग्रेजुएट लोगो को मजबूरी मे चपरासी की नौकरी करते देखा है. ये कविता एक ऐसे युवक की है जो काफी समय से नौकरी की तलाश मे है. आज भी साक्षात्कार के बाद उसे नौकरी के लिए नहीं चुना गया और......

मुझे घर जाने से लगता डर,
थोडा सा ही सही ज़हर दे दो। 

बाबा की काठी बूढी हुई...
वो दर्द छुपायें...खुश होकर। 

घरवालों के हर आँसू कि नमी समेटे .... 
छत भी रोती रिस-रिस कर। 

माँ की आँखों मे सपने दिखें...
उन सपनो से बचता मै छुप-छुप कर। 

मुझे घर जाने से लगता डर...

घर का किराया ज्यादा है...
चुकता है बहना की पढाई के दम पर। 

आँखें अब ऊपर उठती नहीं... 
शर्मिंदा जीतीं घुट-घुट कर। 

दुनिया मुझ पर अब हँसती है,
मजबूरी भारी ज़िल्लत पर। 

मरने की मेरी औकात नहीं...
जीता हूँ वायदों की कीमत पर। 

मुझे घर जाने से लगता डर....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

मदद

"ओह, लगता है आगे बड़ा एक्सीडेंट हो गया है,
मदद को पुकार रहे है कुछ 'जिंदा',
हमे उनकी मदद करनी चाहिए."

"ए जी, आप गाडी आगे बढाइये..
एक्सीडेंट बड़ा है...
जो जिंदा है वो शायद नहीं बचेंगे,
ये भी पक्का नहीं की हॉस्पिटल वाले इन्हें भर्ती करेंगे,
उल्टा हम लोग पुलिस के चक्कर मे फसेंगे,
नयी गाडी है इसके इन्टीरीयरस भी गंदे होंगे,
ऊपर से पेट्रोल के खर्चे अलग होंगे."

"तुम सही कहती हो,
मुझ अकेले से इतना सब कैसे होगा?
ये तो हाईवे है....
इनकी मदद कोई और कर देगा..."

Just 'Hear' this! (Poem/Story)

There was a Deer,
Whose ear sensed a Bear,
Deer froze with fear,
Bear came near.

Negotiated Deer,
"Dear Bear, I have Beer,
with which you can cheer."

Bear changed his mind's gear,
Bear drank beer.
and also tried to tear the deer,
Escaped Deer,
By reminding Bear,
That Bear forgot to wear his underwear.

मेरी आँखें, तेरे सपने



"राम, बुलंदशहर पुलिस एथलीट मीट जीत गया!!!"

राम बस नहीं था उनके घर के सदस्य का नाम,
वो तो था पूरे गाँव की शान.
इसमे थे परिवार के कई बलिदान,
सबने मिल कर चुकाया था "इस" राम का दाम.

पर अभी और संघर्ष देखने थे बाकी,
पिता पर बढ़ता जा रहा था काम का बोझ काफी.
पर उनकी आँखों मे तब थकान ना दिखती,
जब गाँव मे राम के चर्चे और खबरे होती.

अंतिम वक़्त तक उन्होंने अपने बेटे के सपनो को अपनी आँखों से जिया,
इरादा तो पक्का था पर बूढे शरीर ने धोखा दे दिया.

मृत आँखों मे भी बेटे की सफलता देखने की व्याकुलता साफ़ दिखती,
यूँ बेवक्त अपनी हार की झुंझलाहट से जैसे बंद थी उनकी मुट्ठी.

बिलखते बेटे ने जब पार्थिव शरीर को आग से जलाया,
तब शहर से उसका दोस्त ये खबर लाया.........

"राम, तू नेशनल कैंप के लिए सेलेक्ट हो गया."

India = (USA + Africa)/2





India, fully equipped with the features of both advanced and backward countries in every sphere of life from Standard of living to Sanitation.

One moment you encounter fully maintained posh colonies, Malls, Industries, etc and within few yards there are slums, "mountains" of garbage, etc. Development is scattered and not properly distributed.

India is not great but still not that bad. With development, growth and commercialization increasing at remarkable pace lets hope that India will be a developed nation in couple of decades.

Examples of This mixture,

#) - India is neither capitalist economy nor socialist economy, it's a mixed economy.

#) - Not a developed country...not a underdeveloped country...it's a Developing country.

#) - The Human Development Index rates India in 'Medium' countries. Recently, ranked 128 out of about 200 countries.

#) - Even the general complexion of Indians is, (White + Black)/2.

#) - The policies, International Trade, GDP, National Income, Per Capita Income, Sports, Growth Rate.....everything is average...medium.

When I 'Met' Miss Universe!!




True! When I was 5-6 years old I 'met' the then (1994) Miss Universe Sushmita Sen.

She was on a visit to Taj Mahal, Agra. My father was in her regional security team and he took us (Mom, Brother, Sister and me) to Taj Mahal...so that we can see the Miss Universe. My teenage Brother and Sister were very excited. I was annoyed that why are they going crazy. They somehow explained me that Miss Universe is a very big personality, now I know. :) Our camera was not working...so we purchased an Autograph Booklet....we went to Taj and soon she arrived with security guards, Police and some 'fashion' people around her. She was not visible in first few minutes but later she roamed in the gardens looking at Taj and we were looking at her....my mother said that "She is good but few of our young female relatives were far 'better' than her. "

My Bro and Sis froze. Mommy gave them the Autograph Book but they were afraid of the security around her. Papa was outside the gate. Weather was hot and humid and after few minutes she almost fainted. The fashion people took her to a room near the gate....earlier they use to sell postcards, etc stuff on the entrance gate (I mean the final entrance from where one can see the Taj). I followed them with my Autograph book but was too timid to enter the room...so I stood there with a puzzled face. Hoping that someone notice my transparent and innocent face...my super timid sis and bro were signaling and hooting. Then an old foreigner lady....who was in the small crowd of 15-20 people (watching Sush) came to me....probably she saw my silent struggle...I guess she asked "You want her Autograph?" I was zero in English then but I heard the word 'Autograph' in her sentence and said "Yes"....she went upstairs in that room (nobody stopped her cause she was a harmless old foreigner, good old 1990s days security was 'actually' needed for very few people in India) and after some time the lady came back. She gave me the autograph book, 4 pages filled with "Love Sushmita".....she kissed my forehead and vanished into the crowd. I was happy because I got autographs and everybody was looking at me.

Thanks to Sushmita and Thanks and Love to that kind lady!

Stunt

Ek mahatvkanshi film project jo aaj tak ki sabse zyada stunts waali film banne jaa rahi thi jiske baare mey har jagah characha abhi se tez ho gayi thi. Uss film ki kahani ek laalchi builder ki thi jiski nazar ek poore gaon ki zameen par thi aur jisse hathiyaane kay liye wo kuch bhi karne ko tayyar tha…..gaon waalo ki jaan bhi lena uske liye khel tha par uska ek dardnaak annt hota hai.

Itne saare stunts aur production ka budget kum karne kay liye uss film kay producer nay ek door daraz kay peechde gaon ko chuna, jaha kay gaon waalo se usse shooting kay liye badi jagah aasani se bhi mil gayi aur film kay liye bahut hi kum paiso mey khatarnaak stunts bina ‘safety equipments’ kay saath karne ko bahut se bhole bhaale gaon waale raazi ho gaye.

Wo laachi Producer saare intezaam se santusht hokar apne production house ka kaam sambhalne waapas Mumbai chala jaata hai. Wo iss film ki beech beech mey khabar lene laga.Ussi Producer kay nirdesho kay anusaar film unit dwara bina safety measures kay gaon waalo se bahut se khatarnaak stunts karvaye gaye jisme kai gaon waalo maare gaye ya ghayal ho gaye. Film ki kaafi shooting abhi baaki thi aur inn durghatnaao kay kaaran film unit par sthaniye logo aur police ka dabaav badh raha tha.

Gaon waalo ka gussa dekh film unit producer ko salah deti hai ki wo Mumbai se hi gaon waalo ko film ki kamaai ka 99% hissa dene ka kagazi vaada kar lijiye. Baad mey unhe thoda bahut muaawza dekar iss 99% profit baantne waale papers ko farzi saabit karva denge….(”Ye bevkoof gaon waale hum logo se case ladne aa jaayein wo hi bahut hoga….usse jeetna to door ki baat hai.”) Producer ye baat maankar gaon mey wo legal papers bhijwa deta hai jinme likha hota hai ki iss film se honay waali kamaai ka 99% hissa gaon waalo ko diya jaayega. 1% profit bhi film ki unit ka kharcha poora karne kay liye liya jaa raha hai. Iss film se gaon ko bahut badi aarthik madad milegi aur faayda hoga. Aisa karne se gaon waalo aur police ka dabaav phir se kum ho jaata hai. Kuch dino baad, Film ki unit ab producer se phone par ajeeb tarah se baatein karne lagi thi. Producer ko laga ki wo sabhi gaon mey itne zyada din rehne kay kaaran irritate ho gaye honge. Kuch hi dino mey film kay director ka Producer ko phone aata hai ki film ka aakhri schedule shoot hona hai jiska udghatan film ki poori unit aur gaon waale aapki upastithi mey aapke haatho se hi chahte hai. Waha pahunchkar sabhi ka bartaav usse atpatta sa lagta hai. Sabhi aakhri scene ki shooting turant chahte thay.

Aakhri scene ek bridge par shoot hona tha producer jaise hi ribbon kaat ta hai. Ek daravni hassi kay saath director bhoot mey badal jaata hai aur bolta hai. “Lights……camera……action.” Ye sunte hi ab tak uss film mey kai stunts kay dauraan maare gaye gaon waalo kay shat vikshat shav achanak se prakat ho kar uss producer ki taraf badhte hai…..darr se kaamp raha producer madad kay liye film Unit kay logo ki taraf daudta hai par wo bhi bhooto mey badal chuke hotay hai. Tab uss producer ko film ka bhoot director batata hai ki marre huey gaon waalo ki aatmao nay poori film unit ko bhi maar daala tha.....aur issi kaaran unka bartaav ajeeb ho gaya tha. Producer ki dardnaak maut kay saath hi film ka aakhri schedule poora hota hai. Uss film kay prints apne aap hi unn legal papers ki copy kay saath desh bhar kay distributors kay paas pahunch jaatein hai. Film superhit hoti hai aur marre aur ghayal gaonwaalo kay parijano ko unka haq milta hai.

The End.

बड़ी देर हो गयी!

There is a college going girl Sonia....jo public transport se college jaati hai. Uske college jaate waqt aksar ek ladka Ravi apne dosto kay saath mil kar usse chhedta hai. Kai weeks tak Ravi aur uske dosto dwara teasing ka ye silsila jaari rehta hai. Sonia ab Ravi ki harkato se tanng aa chuki thi par wo sab kuch chup-chap seh rahi thi. Sonia akeli ladki nahi thi jo awara Ravi aur uske gang ki nazro mey thi...balki aksar uske jaisi kuch ladkiyon ko pareshaan karna unke liye manoranjan ka saadhan tha.

Kabhi koi ladki Ravi ki harkaton ka virodh kar deti to usko 2-4 thappad maarne kay baad hi Ravi ko santushti milti thi. Uski boli mey virodh karne waali ladkiyon ki pitaai karna "Par-Katiyon ko sabak sikhana" hota tha.

Tabhi ek din Ravi ki behan Rashmi aatmhatya kar leti hai....usne apni suicide ki wajah apne college kay ek ladke Tarun ko bataya tha jo college, raaste mey ....phone se aksar Rashmi ko pareshaan karta tha. Gussey se bhara Ravi apne dosto ko saath lekar kisi tarah Tarun kay ghar ka pata karta hai aur wo uske ghar ka darwaza peet ta hai.....

....Darwaza ghabrai hui Sonia kholti hai jisse Ravi roz chhedta tha. Darasal Sonia Tarun ki behan thi.

......avaak Ravi wahin zameen par baith apna sar pakad kar ronay lagta hai.

The End.

झूठी शान

ये होती है शान,
वैसे तो जेब से अंटी नहीं निकलती,
कहने को दे दें दूसरो के लिए अपनी जान.

बाकियों का वक़्त चाहे बेवक्त खा लें,
अपने समय के हर 'इंच' का रखते है ध्यान.

इनसे जुडी हर चीज़ का होना चाहिए मान,
चाहे दूसरो पर पीक दें ये ढाई मन पान.

इनके नुक्कड़ की पांचवी गली बड़ी है....
बाकी क्या काशी, क्या सांसाराम....

चलिए कोई नहीं...अब तक ये सब किया,
आगे कौन सुधरने की उम्मीद करेगा.

आप जैसे तो कई है,
भीड़ मे आप पर कोई ऊँगली नहीं करेगा.


- समाप्त!!!!


लखनऊ मे मैंने एक शब्द सीखा है "भोकाल"..बाकी जगह शायद इसके दूसरे पर्यायवाची चलते होंगे. कहने का मतलब ये है की मैंने ऐसे कई छुटभइये नेता देखे है जो 4-5 लोगो को जमा करके, सार्वजनिक स्थानों पर जानबूझ कर आवाज़ ऊँची करके सोचते है की दुनिया उनके कदमो मे आ गयी...जबकि दुनिया इतनी बड़ी है की...हुंह!! :)

Mautniti

Kuch mahino pehle hi Sindhar Rajya mey Jaago Dal naam ki party satta mey aayi thi. Uss party ka satta mey aana ek chmatkaar tha kyoki bahut si chhoti parties se gatbandhan karke pehli baar koi sadharan starr ki party satta mey aayi thi.

Lekin aaye din Jaago Dal aur uske sahiyogi dalo kay netao kay naam ghotaalo mey aa rahe thay. Kuch hi mahino kay antraal mey ruling party ki lokpriyeta behadd kum ho gayi thi aur aaye din sansad mey vikpakshi netao dwara kharab policies ki ninda, reporters dwara sting operations, etc, se sattadhari party kay neta pareshaan thay.
Upar se Sindhar ki rajdhani Dhar aur uske aas paas kay elako mey dangey bhadak gaye thay. Sthiti nazuk hoti jaa rahi thi.

Ruling Party ki meeting hui jisme sabhi ko zaroori nirdesh diye gaye. Meeting kay baad Cheif Minister Mahendra Madugar nay kuch netao ko rook liya. Phir Chief Minister nay apni baat shuru ki.

Mahendra Madugar - Kuch hi mahino mey humare bahut se mantriyon par ghotaalo kay maamle darj ho gaye hai. Upar se humari kai policies ki central agencies dwara jaanch chal rahi hai. Media nay bhi jeena haraam kar rakha hai. Ye unki reports aur khabro ka hi natija hai ki janta ab humse nafrat karne lagi hai. Yaani iss baat kay poore aasaar hai ki humari sarkar agle election se bahut pehle hi girne waali hai. Dango ko bhadkane mey karyakartao kay roop mey mere aadmiyon ka haath tha taaki mai vipakshi parties ki image bigaad sakun par patrakaaro aur deshbhakt netao ki wajah se ulta hi ho gaya. Inn Dango nay humari chhavi aur zyada bigaad di hai.....lekin hum inn dango ka ab bhi apne faayde kay liye isteymaal kar sakte hai. Kuch reporters ki boli bahut nikalti hai aur wo yahin humari naak kay neeche issi shehar mey reh kar kaam karte hai. Aur opposition kay kuch mantri jo humare khilaaf janta ko bhadka rahe hai aur bade campaign chala rahe hai.....inn sab ko dango ki aad lekar khatm karna hoga.

Ek sawal uttha.

"Par Mukhya Mantri ji aisa karne se to seedha shaq hum par jaayega."

Mahendra Madugar - Isliye to maine Jaago dal kay khaas mantriyon ko meeting kay baad rooka hai. Humey apne aur apne sahiyogi dalo kay bhi kuch netao ko maarna padega tab kisi ko iss yojna ki bhanak nahi lagegi. Arre, bhaiyon....Sarkar ko aage chalana hai to humey aise balidaan to dene padenge. Ab dhyaan se suno jin mantriyon aur reporters ko maarna hai maine sabki list bana li hai. Inme se zyadatar V.I.P. aur celebrity ka darja haasil kar chuke hai isliye kisi ko gayab nahi kar sakte sabki laashein milni chahiye. Inn sabko aise marvaao jaise ye dango mey marre hon aur phir inhe dango mey marre logo kay saath plant karva do.Matlab maarne kay baad inke shareer kay kuch anng bhang kar dena ya bade bade ghaav kar dena. Inki Post Mortem reports dango mey marr chuke logo jaisi lagni chahiye......nahi....balki mai to kehta hun ki unse bhi asli lagni chahiye...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Wahan upasthit sabhi haiwaano kay thhahake goonjne lage. Mahendra Madugar kay shadiyantra par amal hua aur berehmi kay saath unke aadmiyon nay di gayi list kay anusaar bahut se mantriyon aur reporters ko dango ki aad mey maar daala. Ussi shaam Ruling Party kay unn sabhi jallado ka Chief Minister kay ghar par jhashn chal raha tha. Sabhi iss kaamyabi ki wajah se saatve aasmaan par thay.

Kuch dair baad darwaze par zor ki dastak hoti hai. Bahar bahut shor gul tha. Sabhi neta ghabra gaye aur unhone apni security ko kai sandesh bheje lekin koi jawab nahi mila. Saare mantriyon nay apna staff aur suraksha karmi iss party ki wajah se pehle hi kum kar diye thay.....par unke khaas bache huey suraksha karmi bhi ab unka jawab nahi de rahe thay. Khidkiyon kay sheshay tootne lage aur bahar shor badhta jaa raha tha.

Mahendra samet andar maujood darre huey netao nay khud ko upar waale kamre mey bandh kar liya aur wahan se bahar dekha to Dange ka drashya tha unke suraksha karmi behosh pade thay.....bahut se gutt aapas mey bhide huey thay. Chief Minister ki saari suraksha vyavastha gayab thi. Aakroshit bheed nay darwaza todd diya aur wo andar ghus aayi. Phir jis kamre mey sabhi netao nay khud ko bandh kar liya tha uska darwaza bhi todd diya gaya. Aakhri ummeed kay saath sabhi neta kamre ka darwaza khulte hi tabadtood goliyan chalate huey bachne kay liye neeche bhaage par unhone dekha ki neeche bhi bahut log hai aur jin logo ko unhone goliyan maari thi wo bhi unki taraf hastey huey badh rahe hai.

Ab achanak saari bheed shat viskshat laashon mey badal gayi thi. Uss bheed mey se bahar aaye unn Reporters aur Netao ki chalti phirti laashein jinhe Mahendra Madugar aur uske saathi mantriyon nay marvaya tha. Ye manzar dekh kar Mahendra aur uske saathi darr se jadd ho jaate hai. Har neta aur patrakaar ki laash kay haath mey ek kaagaz tha. Wo kaagazo ko unn darre sehme Ruling Party kay netao ko thama dete hai. Wo 'zinda' neta unn kaagazo ko dekhte hai......wo kaagaz unhi ki post mortem reports thi. Phir wo laashein unn netao ko unki pehle se hi bani post mortem reports kay anusaar maar dete hai.

Kuch dair baad sandeh kay aadhar par pahunchi Police ko wahan Sattadhari party kay Mukhya Mantri Mahendra Madugar samet unke kuch mantriyon ki kuchli, kati, shat vikshat laashein milti hai....jaise wo dango mey maare gaye ho aur har laash kay upar uski post mortem report rakhi hui thi.

The End!!

Deadly Deal

Mr. Karan Verma ek sarkari karmchari thay unki naukri kay ab kuch hi saal reh gaye thay. Unki patni ek grahni thi aur unke 2 ladke aur 1 ladki thi(Dilip,Rohan aur Akansha).Unki aarthik sthiti samanya thi,unkey teeno bachche jawaan ho chuke thay par unka chhota beta,Rohan maansik roop se kamzoor tha.Unki aarthik sthiti par unka chhota beta bhojh bana hua tha aur bachpan se ab tak usse gharwaalo ki dutkaar hi mili thi. Phir bhi wo sabhi ko apna maankar unse baatein karne ki naakaam kosishein karta rehta.Din kat rahe thay ki tabhi Mr. Karan ka Heart Fail ho gaya aur unhe Hospital mey bharti karvaya gaya. Mr. Karan pehle hi apni jawaan beti ki shaadi aur ghar ki sthiti ko lekar chintit thay aur ab unka Heart Failure honay se jaise poore ghar par pahaad toot pada. Doctors nay Heart Transplant ki baat kahi aur jiske liye Verma parivaar ko jald hi lakho rupaye jutane ko kaha gaya.Itni jaldi itna saara paisa jutana parivaar mey kisi kay bas ki baat nahi thi aur Heart Transplant kay liye Mr. Karan kay matching blood group ka dil dhoondna bhi mushkil lag raha tha.

Sabhi gharwaalo nay Rohan ko maarkar Mr. Karan kay Heart Transplant kay liye uska dil isteymaal karne ka shadiyantra racha.Rohan ko sotay huey ak kamre mey bandh kar diya gaya aur uss kamre mey angithi jala di gayi,Rohan bahut dair tak chillata raha usse apno par vishvaas tha par uske apne aaj uske vishvaas kay saath saath usse bhi maar rahe thay.Jald hi kamre mey gaadha dhuaa aur Carbon Mono Oxide jaisi jehrili gases bhar gayi aur dum ghutne se tadapte Rohan nay dum todd diya. Sabhi gharwaalo nay jald hi iss haadse ka naatak duniya kay saamne kiya aur ghar kay mukhiya ki haalat ki dhuhaai dekar Rohan ka dil Mr. Karan mey transplant karne ki guzarish ki jo turant hi maan li gayi aur Rohan ki maut kay kuch hi ghanto baad uska dil uske pita mey transplant ho raha tha.Mr. Karan ko Rohan ki maut kay baare mey sabhi gharwaalo nay
sach-sach bata diya par Mr. Karan to apne parivaar sey bhi do kadam aage nikle aur operation kay baad Ardh-behoshi ki haalat mey hi sabhi ko unke kaam ki shabashi di aur Rohan kay doosre anngo ko baichne kay sujhaav bhi de daala. Rohan kay lagbhag sabhi aantrik anng jo bik saktey thay uske besharm parivaar waalo nay jaldi hi gair kanooni tareke sey thikaane laga diye. Ab Verma pariaar kay paas lakho rupaye aa chuke thay jinse naa sirf Karan Verma kay Heart Transplant kay operation ka kharcha chuka diya gaya balki ab unki aarthik sthiti bhi sudhar chuki thi.
Unn sabhi nay uss paise kay ak bahut bade hissey se ak shaandaar Car khareedi. Mr. Karan Verma abhi poori tarah se recover nahi huey thay isliye kuch dino tak unhe hospital mey hi guzarne thay.

Mr. Karan ko chhodkar sabhi nayi Car ki pehli sair par nikle........thodi dair baad unki Car aniyantrit hokar ak sunsaan sthaan kay andhiare kinare par ruk gayi.Car kay darwaze nahi khul rahe thay aur uska Air Conditioner kharab engine ka uddta dhuaa andar kheench raha tha.Sabhi ka dum ghut raha tha aur unki haalat bigad rahi thi par unki haalat ko dekhne waala waha koi nahi tha.Tabhi sabko Car mey apne saath ak chauthi aakriti bhi tadapti hui nazar aayi.......uss aakriti par Dilip nay Torch ki roshni maari......wo Rohan tha.......ya yu kahein ki Rohan ki aatma ya bhoot tha.Sabhi parivaar waalo ki Rohan ki tarah hi dum ghutne se maut ho gayi.....lekin Rohan nay aakhri waqt mey unka saath nahi chhoda.

Idhar Mr. Karan Verma hospital mey ajeeb harkate kar rahe thay aisa lag raha tha jaise wo pagal ho gaye ho.Har guzarte ghantey kay saath Unki haalat bigadti jaa rahi thi aur kuch hi ghanto mey to wo kisi Maansik roop se kamzoor vyakti ki tarah harkate kar rahe thay.Doctors nay jaanch ki aur Karan Verma kay iss bartaav ki wagah batayi haal hi mey unke shareer mey transplant huey dil ki jiske aniyamit karya kay kaaran Mr. Karan Verma kay dimaag kay kai hisso par khoon kay thhakey jam gaye thay aur unke kai anng bhi asamanya karya kar rahe thay.

Rohan ki aatma nay apna pratishood le liya tha.....lekin usne unn logo ko chhod diya jinhone uske anng khareede thay.

The End.

Death 'In-Corporated' (Part 2)

Shehar kay kuch naami contractors aur sarkari adhikari bhi maare gaye thay.(Jinhone Zest Industries ki jagah uski rival company Den Industries kikisi naa kisi roop mey madad ki thi.)

Shehar mey ho rahi inn hatyaon ka rahasya ulajhta jaa raha tha. Pehle se hi pareshaan Ranjan Kumar kay betey Anuj se Police shaq kay aadhar par pooch taach kar rahi thi.

Lekin maut ka khel to tab bhi badastoor jaari tha.

Place - Den Industries.

"Congratulations Mister Manish, aapne to Den Industries kay recruitment cell ki surat hi badal kar rakh di. Kitne efficient employees chun rahe hai aap. Aur dekhiye 1 saal mey hi promotion, presonal cabin, car, etc, etc, etc....."

Manish - Thankyou, Mister Lalwant, par aapka appointment to 30 minutes baad ka hai.

"Appointment to aapka hai.....maut kay saath."

Manish - Excuse me, ye kya mazaak hai.

"Arre, ye mazaak nahi hai.....achchha dekhiye mujhe...mai kya koi mazaak karne waala lagta hun."

Manish ka achchha record uski maut ban gaya tha.

Den Industries kay office kay bahar.

"Beta...zara sunna kahan jaa rahe ho ?"

"Den Industries mey job kay liye apply karne."

"Ye Company achchhi nahi hai, baaki jagah kosish karo."

"Lekin mai yahan bhi apply karna chahta hun."

"Meri baat suno bado ki baat aise nahi kaat te...tumhara academic record achchha hai....Zest mey jaakar try karo....yahan to mujh jaise log rehte hai.....dekho mujhe."

Uss surat ko dekh kar buri tarah darra hua wo yuvak apne sabhi documents chhod kar wahan se bhaag khada hua.

Den Industries ko unnchi quality kay raw materials dene waale sabhi suppliers bhi maare gaye.

Anuj ko Police nay chhod diya aur pareshaani se ghira Anuj waapas ghar lautne laga. Lekin shayad uske pita nay uski pareshaani ko hamesha kay liye khatm karne ka mann bana liya tha. Den Industries kay head Shri Sunil Daam apni official meeting kay liye jaa rahe thay.

Sunil Daam - Driver, Hotel Rasher le chalo.

Driver- 1 Company pehle aayi, uske maalik nay khoob mehnat se sab jutaya...lekin doosri Company aayi aur uske maalik nay business ethics ka khayal nahi rakha. Kyu Daam...tum to bade ghatiya 'daam' kay insaan nikle.

Sunil Daam - Ranjan ?

"Wah, tum to bahut chalak nikle itni jaldi pehchan liya......ab jaldi marro....mai apne betey ko aur zyada pareshaan nahi dekh sakta."

Driver ki seat khaali ho gayi aur Sunil Daam ki gaadi bina driver kay aniyantrit ek doosri gaadi se jaa takrayi. Dono gaadiyon ki takkar se bhayankar blast hua aur dono gaadiyon kay parkhachhe udd gaye.

Doosri Car mey Anuj baitha tha.

Iss haadse mey dono companies kay maliko kay marrne kay baad Den Industries aur Zest Industries bandh ho gayi aur apni company ki sthiti sudhaarne kay liye Ranjan Kumar ki aatma ka khooni khel bandh hua.


The End!!

Death 'In-Corporated' (Part 1)

"Mr. Anuj, I am sorry.......he is dead."

Shri Ranjan Kumar, 'Zest Industries' kay maalik apne shetra kay naami business tycoons mey gine jaate thay par peechle kuch samay se unko business mey bahut nuksaan jhelna pada tha. Mukhya Production units ka bandh hona, company shares mey bhaari giravat, resonable quotations kay bawajood bhi contracts aur tenders ka haath se nikal jaana.....aakhirkaar unka har din badhta ye stress unki aatmhatya ka kaaran ban gaya. Anuj Kumar unka eklauta beta tha jisko apne pita ka business aur ye chintayein virasat mey mili thi. Ye kayaas lagaye jaa rahe thay ki ghaate mey chal rahi Zest Industries jald hi bandh ho jaayegi.

Kuch dino baad.

Zest Industries kay head office kay sunsaan corridor mey.

"Madam Renu, aapse kuch baatein karni thi."

Renu - Mai ajnabiyon se iss tarah baat nahi karti.

"Lekin office mey to aap har waqt gossip karti rehti hai."

Renu - K..kaun hai aap?

"Tumhara Boss."

Kuch dair baad uss corridor mey Renu ki laash padi hui thi. Jiski vocal cord samet gardan kay andruni hisse bahar kheenche gaye lag rahe thay.

Office mey retail executive kay personal cabin mey.

"What nonsense....office stationary ka iss tarah personal use aur wastage nahi hona chahiye, Ramesh."

Ramesh - O Hello!! mister.....who are you.....aur aap andar kaise aa gaye ?

"O Hello mujhe nahi pehchana ? Mera naam Ranjan Kumar hai. Mai tumhara boss hua karta tha. Tumhe yakeen nahi ho raha hoga.....lo dekho mera chehra.....thoda sadd gaya hai par pehchan mey to aa raha hoga. Chalo ab iss stationary ka achchha isteymaal kiya jaaye."

Kuch hi seconds baad marre huey Ramesh ka shareer office stationary ka godaam nazar aa raha tha.

Sab kuch bahut jaldi ho raha tha aaj Zest Industries mey laasho ka dher lagne waala tha.

"Jamuna Das ji aap budhe ho gaye hai....ab aap kaam nahi karte bas attendance lagane aa jaate hai. Comapny kay puraane employee hai naa....sab aapki bahut izzat karte hai....mai bhi karta tha....par buddhape mey aapka dard aur mehnat mujhse dekhi nahi jaati. Arre kuch to kahiye....."

Jamuna Das ji kuch kehne se pehle hi adhik darr ki wajah se chal base thay.

Late Ranjan Kumar nay apni company kay saare inefficient employees aur workers ko kuch hi dair mey company se hamseha kay liye 'hata' diya tha.

Par silsila yahin nahi ruka.

Zest Industries se kuch kilometers ki doori par ek Bus Stop par.

"Bhaisahab, time kya hua hai ?"

"10:35."

"Bahut sardi hai....aaj to aap late ho gaye, Madan Babu. Aapke office ka time to 10 baje ka hai."

Madan - Haan, ye sab to adjust ho jaata hai. Waise maine aapko pehchana nahi.

"Mujhe Ranjan kehte hai. Mai aapki Company ka head tha."

Madan - What ?

"Arre, aapki Bus aa gayi....jaldi kariye."

Achanak Madan ko uss vyakti nay Bus kay aage dhakka de diya aur Madan ki Bus kay neeche aa jaane se maut ho gayi.


To be continued......

Monday, August 9, 2010

'Jehadi' Terrorist Interview




"Hello."
"Al-Hello"

"What is your name?"
"Al-Pussa but my friends call me Al-Cunta."

"What are your aims?"
"To preserve environment and save energy."

"…Ahem! How?"
"By protecting oil reserves and resources from east…err… western countries…where is my left hand…this pose is right, challenging the western countries (and some European, Asian, African, Australian, countries and their research camps in Antarctica also) on my left hand side….err…right hand side."

"Sir, Photo Session is after the Interview. Why don’t you discuss and negotiate straight to ‘those’ governments?"
"Because we are not ‘Straight’."

"So, you all are happy and gay?"
"Of course, Al-yes."

"Your English is impressive….It is not your mother tongue….you learned English…from where?"
"English Movies."

"Your favourite English movie?"
"What’s in the name…they all are the same."

"Okay, your favourite dialogue?"
"O Yes…aaha..aaaaaaa…O yes…O my Gooo….aaaaaaaa fcuk me…ya ya ya."

"Hmmm, That’s good. So, what are...."
"By the way, one correction in the previous reply…It’s fuck not fcuk…the company may sue our organization. Edit this portion."

"Your favourite countries?"
"Afghanistan, Syria, North Korea, Iraq, Pakistan, and all the regions all over the world under Parallel Governments."

"Any part time job or hobby?"
"Preparation of scripts and giving ideas for the videos and material published of all the ‘Jehadi Organizations’ of this region. We have a big creative panel. I sometimes also manage set designing and kidnapping of people with different origins for the videos and photos."

"Your Country is Underdeveloped. You should participate in it’s development. Why are you…."
"Al-Shut up! Your country is over conscious about external affairs…people of your country are involved in many unethical practices...."

"Wow! You are so intelligent….who told you all this?"
"He he..Thanks…actually this was a part of "Budding Brigade Brainwash Program" to shut up the clever people we kidnap. I can speak a lot more on this..."

"Thank you for the Interview, Bye"
"Al-Bye-Bye...Wait a minute...what about the Photo Session?"


The End.

भूखा अन्नदाता





दोस्तों, कुछ दिन पहले खबर आई की सरकार ने अपनी तरफ से किसानो का सारा कर्जा माफ़ कर दिया. पर अब भी किसानो की आर्थिक स्थिति ठीक नहीं. अनाधिकृत बाजारी व्यापार, कालाबाजारी, धरती की उर्वरक क्षमता मे कमी, etc, जैसे कारण किसानो के लिए अभिशाप बन गए है. सरकार भी उन पर कभी-कभी मेहरबान होती है....ऐसे मे हमे यह नहीं भूलना चाहिए की कृषि पर ही हमारा जीवन टिका है.

Place - Head Office, Apni Party, Balrampur.

"सर जी, इस गाँव बंथरा के हर घर मे 100-200 रुपये है बांटने,
अगर हम पंचो को अच्छी कीमत देंगे तो गाँव वाले लगेंगे हमारे तलवे चाटने."

Place - A Farmer Vishnu's hut, Banthra Village.

विष्णु - "सोनू, जा गैया चरा ला....कुछ काम नहीं करता,
मुनिया जा पंसारी से सौदा ले आ,
और तू सोनू की माँ...कुछ लकडियाँ बीन ला."

"घर मे अनाज का दाना तक नहीं, और तुम्हारी नशे की लथ जगी,
हम सबको घर से बाहर भेजना तो बहाना है...तुम्हे तो अपने यारो के साथ नशा जो चढाना है."

अपनों के तानो पर विष्णु ने ध्यान कहाँ दिया....उसको तो कोई और दुख था सता रहा.

ढूँढो रे ढूँढो मेरा भाग कहाँ है?
कर्जे मे डूबा मेरा सारा जहाँ है.
सूखे ये सूखे पत्ते कहते क्या है?
कितने बरस बीते बदरा कहाँ है?
बंजर ये धरती खुद को क्यों कहती माँ है?
बच्चे तड़प रहे...ममता कहाँ है?

हाय रे हाय मेरी किस्मत कहाँ है?
घर मे मेरी बिटिया जवां है.
जीवन ये मेरा कोई जंगल घना है,
कोई बताये मुझे राह कहाँ है?

दल-बल के साथ 'अपनी पार्टी' विष्ण के घर से अपना अभियान शुरू करने चली,
पर विष्णु के घर के बाहर उन्हें बिलखती भीड़.....
....और अन्दर एक मजबूर किसान की लाश लटकती मिली.

Fight for The Right!

Daren - Papa...abhi mat jao....
John - (Daren ko apni godd mey utthakar)Mai waapas aaunga mere bachche.

Do padosi desh "Razed" aur "Prak" kay beech lambe arse se tanaav aur seema vivaad chal raha tha aur ab sthiti halke yuddh tak pahunch gayi thi.

Seema kay aas-paas dono desho ki senao me badhotri honay lagi.

Prak ka rajya ak Tanashah, Malsun kay haatho mey tha. Iss vivaad ko shaant karne kay liye videsh se ak shaanti dall aaya aur uske rakhe prastaavo aur baato se doono desho kay rukh mey kuch narmi nazar aane lagi. Dono desho ki senao ko ladaai rookne aur peeche hatne ka aadesh mila par Prak kay karta dharta Malsun kay dimaag mey kuch aur hi chal raha tha. Razed kay kai sainik ab laut chuke thay aur bachi hui asaavdhan Razed ki sena par Prak ka aakrman hua aur lagbhag sabhi bache huey Razed kay sainik maare gaye.

Prak nay iss sthiti ka faayda utthate huey Razed desh ka kaafi shetra apne kabze mey kar liya. Ladaai aur naa bhadke isliye Antarashrtriya Shaanti Committee nay faisla Prak kay haq mey sunaya. Kamzoor Razed desh bhi chhup ho gaya.Samay kay saath ye mamla thanda pad gaya. Iss chhal yuddh mey Razed kay shaheed huey ak sainik John ka Beta Daren ab javaan ho chuka tha aur wo bhi apne pita ki tarah sena mey bharti ho chuka tha.

Samay khud ko dohra raha tha aur lagbhag 25 saal baad phir se Park nay Asaavdhan aur peechli baato ko bhul rahe Razed par hamla kar diya tha. Razed aur Prak ki seemao par tanaav badh raha tha. Razed ki sthiti ab bhi kamzoor thi.Seema par ab Razed kay kuch hi sainik apni dharti ki raksha karne kay liye zinda bache thay jinme se ak Daren bhi tha.Ye bhi sanyoog tha ki kroor Mansul abhi bhi Prak ka shashak tha aur ussi kay aadesh se ye kayartapoorna hamla hua tha.

Daren - "Hello....This is "Slope" to "Delta base".....reading me.......humey backup ki zarurat hai......yaha halaat kharab hai.....aur "Nasties" aage badh rahe hai,Over."

"This is 'D-Base' to 'Slope' backup bhejey jaa rahien hai,Over."

Daren- "Slope to Delta Base......mujhe backup troops dikh rahe hai."

"D-Base to Slope, abhi to backup troops base se kuch hi doori par pahunche hai......itni jaldi waha kaise pahunch gaye. Are you sure that...."

Par aage baat ho paati iss se pehle hi Transmission mey baadha aa gayi.
Daren khush tha ki ab ab uski sena ka paksh thoda mazboot hua hai aur wo apne desh ka aur nuksaan honay se bacha lega.Daren josh aur gusse kay saath aage badha par tabhi usne dhyaan diya ki uske saath iss hamle mey bache sainik to saavdhani se aad lekar aage badh rahe thay par unke Backup troops kay sainik nidarr hokar badhe jaa rahe thay aur unke hathiyaar bhi purane lag rahe thay.Daren nay unhe rookne ki kosish ki kyoki wo dheere-dheere chhupkar aage badhne kay paksh mey tha par uski baat kisi nay naa suni.

Baazi palat gayi thi aur ab palda Razed ki taraf jhuk raha tha ki tabhi khule maidaan mey bekhoof aage badh rahe backup sainiko par Planes se hawaai hamla hua. Iss hamle se maidaan me bhaag rahe lagbhag sabhi sainiko ka marna pakka maana jaa raha tha par jab dhuaa chhata to nazara behad bhayanak tha kyoki kate pair,Bina sar kay dhadd,shatigasth haath......yaha tak ki alag hui aankhien bhi Prak kay saniko ki taraf badh rahi thi.Ye nazara to morche par bache Razed kay sainiko ki bhi saanse rook raha tha.Daren abhi hairat se ye sab dekh hi raha tha ki usne apne kandhe par ak javaan saiknik ka haath mehsoos kiya.Usne mudkar dekha to aascharya se wo jadd ho gaya......kuch bol na saka. Uss sainik ki aawaz dobara gunji.

"Beta, Maine kaha tha naa ki mai waapas aaunga.......".

Wo John tha jo apne murda saathiyo kay saath apne desh kay upar dobara ho rahe iss anyay ko rookne aa pahuncha tha.Jald hi Murdo nay Prak kay sainiko par paar paa liya.Par phir bhi sabhi murda shareer shatigrast haalat mey badhe jaa rahe thay......pata nah kya thi unki manzil.....wo sabhi har baadha ko par kar aur kai hazaro kilometeres ka safar tayy karke pahunche uss bunker tak jaha Prak ka shashak Malsun chuppa hua tha.Murde zameen mey sama gaye aur bhumigat buker kay neeche se nikle.Malsun ko bahut buri maut kay ghaat utaara gaya.Agle din seema rekha kay nishaan 25 saal pehle waale thay aur Razed ko apni khooyi zameen aur sammaan waapas mil gaya tha.

The End.

The Missing Flight

Dinesh Fiji ka naagrik tha aur Bharat mey ak Air Traffic Controller kay roop mey kai saalo se kaam kar raha tha. Uske liye aaj ka din bhi aam dino jaisa tha. Apni desk par baitha wo tezi se kai Air Planes ko sambhal raha tha aur kuch dair mey zyadatar Aeroplanes ko wo apni karya seema se bahar bhej chuka tha.Ab wo apna kaam kuch aaram se kar raha tha. Dosto se hassi-mazak,ghar ki baatein,aane waale dino kay plans yahi sab uss Contol Tower par roz aam ki baatien thi.Aaj ka din bhi aise hi guzar raha tha.Par aaj shayad Dinesh inn baato kay chakkar mey apne kaam se kuch zyada hi vimukh ho gaya tha.

Dinesh - "Flight 297......Flight 297......this is Northen Amausi Base.....are you reading me.....hello....."

Ajay-Kya hua,Dinesh ?

Dinesh-"Flight 297 ko kuch dair pehle sabhi updates di thi aur uske baad ab dekha to wo radar par nahi hai.

Ajay-Oh God,Dobara dekh....kosish karte raho.

Lekin Dinesh ki anginat kosishein vifal rahi aur Flight 297 se koi jawab nahi aaya. Dinesh ko uske ghar par haadse ki jaanch honay tak nazarband kar diya gaya. Flight 297 aakhri update tak Raguveerpur,Jharkhand, kay ghane jungleo se guzar rahi thi 1 din beet jaane kay baad ab tak sabhi nay uss Flight kay surakshit honay ki aas tyaag di thi aur uski khoj been ka kaam jaari tha. Dinesh ki laaparwahi se kai log bahut gusse mey thay,Sarkar par janta aur bahari desho se dabaav badhne laga. Dinesh par ak hi din mey kuch jaanleva hamle bhi huey aur Bharat mey Fiji Dutavaas(Embassy) nay Bharat Sarkar se Dinesh ko kuch dino tak gupchup tareke se Fiji mey hirasat mey rakhne ka prastaav rakha taaki uski jaan ko koi khatra naa ho.Dinesh Airport aaya aur usne Fiji jaa rahi Flight kay liye Amausi Airport par "Check In" kiya aur .......... wo gayab ho gaya.Usse Airport par har jagah dhoonda jaa raha tha par uska kahi pata nahi tha.Adhikariyo ko pehle se khabar thi ki Dinesh Fiji logo se chhup kar jaa raha hai aur usko koi nuksaan naa pahunche isliye uspar nazar bhi rah rahe thay par phir naa jaane kaise wo gayab ho gaya.Sabhi ko yahi lag raha tha ki kisi ugr sangathan kay sadasyo nay uska apharan kar liya hai.

LEKIN DINESH TO FLIGHT MEY BAITH CHUKA THA.

Idhar Dinesh Plane mey baith chuka tha aur uska plane udd bhi chuka tha..................kuch dair tak to sab samanya raha par thodi dair baad waha ka vatavaran Dinesh ko sandigdh laga.Sabhi yatriyo ki nazar Dinesh par hi thi aur uski seat bhi sabse alag thi.Usne apne bagal waale yatri se poocha ki ye flight kaha jaa rahi hai to sabhi nay aksaath jawaab mey bas yahi kaha......

"Flight 297"

Dinesh ko iss jawab ki umeed nahi thi,wo sihar uttha aur usse pata chal gaya ki uski galti ki saza dene khud uski galti kay shikaar huey murde aaye hai.

Agle din Flight 297 ka malba Raghuveerpur kay Jungleo mey mil gaya sabhi yatriyo ki laasho kay avsesh bhi mil gaye aur sabhi yatriyo ki pehchan,shinakht bhi ho gayi par sabka aashcharya tab apni hadde todd gaya jab uss malbe mey uss vimaan mey safar kar rahe yatriyo se ak laash zyada mili aur uss laash ki pehchan Dinesh kay roop mey hui.

The End.

उलटफेर

Ye kahani hai "All India Jungli Board" dwara maanyta prapt Ek aise school ki jiske 11th aur 12th standard kay vidhyarthiyon kay ek doosre se prem kay kaaran unn sab ki zindagi badal gayi.....yaani ho gaya ulatpher.

Makhan - Yaar, Sheru suna hai ki iss baar farewell 12th ka result aane kay baad diya jaayega, taaki hoonhaar students ko sammanit kiya jaa sake.

Hariya - Nahi, shayad chunaavo ki wajah se farewell sthagit ho gaya hai.....ya school waalo ko 12th kay students dwara exams pass karne ka bharosa nahi hai.

Moti - Wajah chahe jo bhi ho par humare pyare seniors ab humey chhod kar chale jaayenge.

Sheru - Haan, Yaad kar unn sabke purse ka 5 centimeters to hum sab milkar kum kiya karte thay. Unhi ki wajah se aas paas kay fast food waalo ko achcha roozgaar milta tha. Yaaro, kuch socho hum itne pyare seniors ko aise nahi jaane de sakte.

Moti - Mai soch chuka hun. Humey poore 11th kay saare sections se chanda ikkhatta karna chahiye.

Hariya - Iss se kya hoga ?

Moti - Abe, Hariya tu dimaag se hamesha banjar hi rahega. Jo hoga wo Jungli Board kay mukhyalay mey pata chal jaayega.

11th kay sabhi students chanda jama karke Jungli Board kay mukhyalay mey uss board kay adyaksh Junglesh kay paas jaate hai.

Sheru - Sir, ye lijiye 20,000 rupaye aur saare 12th kay students (150 students), jo Jungli Senior Secondary School mey padhte hai ko fail kar dijiye.

Junglesh - Chup karo, tum logo se zyada to tumhare hi school kay Nursery kay bachcho nay apne furniture kay liye diya tha.

Makhan - Sir, please, humey iss tarah niraash mat kijiye. Hum aapko apna aadarsh jungli man maante hai.

Makhan ki thodi hi dair ki Buttering se Junglesh khush ho jaata hai.

Junglesh - Theek hai, par mai sirf aadhe 12th ko fail karunga, nahi to sabko shaq ho sakta hai.

Hariya - Thanks, sir, baaki students ka intezaam hum khud kar lenge.

Moti - Arre, Hariya tu to banjar nahi raha re. Kya socha tune baaki bache 75 seniors kay baare mey ?

Hariya - Baaki 75 ko hum log apni inbuilt jungli harkato ka shikaar banakar 12th ka exams dene se rook denge.

Moti - Great idea, mere andar ka kutta to abhi se jaag raha hai.

Junglesh - Ab tum sab office se bahar jaao mujhe tumhare school kay 12th kay students se bhi milna hai.

Sheru - Sir, humare baad.....unn logo se kisi bhi tarah ki rishvat mat le lijiyega varna mere andar kay sher ki neend bahut kachchi hai.

Kuch dair baad Junglesh apne office mey Jungli Senior Seondary School kay hi 12th kay chhatro se mukhatib tha.

Abu - Howww......Sir, ye lijiye 150,000 rupaye. Hum sabhi nay khud kay aur apne papa tak kay purse se kai centimeter kum karke jodde hai. Aap humare pyare seniors ko howww.....howww.......howww........

Junglesh - Arre, aage bol Howvey.

Lili - Sir, ye Abu hai, ye to iski aadat hai.

Junglesh - Badi jaldi abu ban gaye, kiske abu hai ye ?

Abu - Howw....itne pyaar se pooch rahe hai to....apna hi samajh lijiye....howww.

Junglesh - Kya ?

Lili - Sir ye humare saath padhta hai iska naam Abu hai aur ye 'Howww....howww' karna iski aadat hai. Sir, hum aur humare juniors bade pyaar se itne saalo tak school mey saath rehte aaye hai. Iss saal hum logo kay alag honay ka khatra hai. Hum chahte hai ki aap unn sabhi ki iss saal kay 11th kay exams ki mark sheets kay saath saath 12th ki bhi jaali mark sheets banva dijiye. Taaki wo humare juniors naa rehkar humare saath kay ho jaayein aur hamesha humare saath rahein.

Abu - Howww....humare school ki parampara ko dhyaan mey rakhte huey unhe Junglipan kay alawa har subject mey passing marks kay aas paas hi number dijiyega....howww..

Junglesh - Tum sabne to unki Doctorate tak ki degree ka intezaam kar diya. Chinta mat karo mai unki 12th ki nakli mark sheets bana dunga.

Ussi samay junior jungli paltan bahar baatein kar rahi thi.

Hariya - Humey phir se kuch rupayo ka intezaam karna hoga aur uske baad, humey Lele aur Dede bhai se milna hoga.

Sheru - Ye kaun hai ?

Makhan - Suna hai ek bhai payment leta hai aur ek payment dene waalo kay dushmano ko punishment deta hai.

Wo sabhi milkar Lele bhai ko paise dekar apne baaki bache 75 seniors ko peetne ka kaam batate hai jinhe Junglesh nay fail karne se mana kar diya tha aur Dede bhai unn chinhit 75 seniors ko alag alag sthaano par pitva dete hai.

Kuch Dino baad.

Moti - ....kaam ho gaya Dede bhai ?

Dede bhai - Haan, sab itne kumzor thay ki unhe peetne mey mazaa hi nahi aa raha tha. Isliye sabki 206 haddiyo ko do-do baar ammmm kitna hua.... haan 412 baar todda. Tab bhi kuch haath nahi khule aur mazaa sa nahi aaya to sabko maar maar kar unka D.N.A. structure tak badal daala....tab jaakar dil ko thandak si mili. Iska pata tab chala jab ek ladka jo bahut 'Howww....howww' karta tha wo ab 'aau maau chaau' karne laga hai.

12th ka result ghoshit hua. Farewell kay din 11th kay students 12th ki mark sheets kay saath seniors ban gaye thay. Pehle rahe unke 75 fail ho chuke seniors unhe apne pairro par serve kar rahe thay aur 74 pitey huey seniors unhe wheel chairs par serve kar rahe thay. Ek poorva senior Abu ek koney mey pada 'aau....maau....chaau' badbada raha tha.

Iss tarah aapas kay adbhut pyaar kay kaaran pehli baar 'seniors', 'juniors' ban gaye thay aur 'juniors', 'seniors.'


The End!

उलटफेर (Intro)

Ye kahani hai "All India Jungli Board" dwara maanyta prapt Ek aise school ki jiske 11th aur 12 standard kay vidhyarthiyon kay ek doosre se prem kay kaaran un sab ki zindagi badal gayi.....yaani ho gaya hai ulatpher.

11 Class mey mere friends chahte thay ki mai unke liye ek Drama likhu jisko wo farewell par perfrom kar sake. Deadline 1 week ki thi aur maine ye 1 din mey hi likh diya. Drama kay characters mere kuch dosto ki aadaton aur kahi baaton par bhi based thay. Ye unko pasand to aaya par acting aur audience ko samjhane ki nazar se mushkil laga. To unhone meri purani kahani "Jai Jhule Lal!" par hi perform kiya. Halaki, utna achchha aur kahani kay hisaab se convincing to nahi kiya par phir bhi badhiya tha. Time ki kami ki wajah se edit bhi karna pada tha unhe wo natak. Anyways, prastut hai "उलटफेर". Sorry, par ye poora Hindi software se dobara type karne ki himmat nahi hai.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Making of 'Dirty' Scene in a Bollywood Movie

Note - Don't go on title. Please read the whole stuff. No offense intended to anyone. Focus is on Indian 'Bollywood' style not on rape.


Scene in Script – A dirty mind villain is walking towards heroin with dirty thoughts in his mind….in short a Rape scene. As this was a Hindi "Family" Movie they were only covering face expressions of villain and heroin.

Director was briefing villain and heroin about this scene. First Director started the shooting of about 30 seconds of Helpless Heroin’s expressions.

Director – You have to give us "pure strange, puzzled plus frightened expressions" like you gave after your wardrobe malfunction in an event last month. What/Which/Who is the most scariest thing in this world for you?

Heroin – My Mother in Law and my Sister in Law.

Director – But we can't afford any of the two, and after all members of my film unit are humans too like you. I have another option though not as great as your Mother in Law or Sister in Law but still above average. Where is the sweeper?

Sweeper makes a jumping entry to impress the Director with a poly bag full of cockroaches, fresh from gutter.

Director – Lights,
Sound,
Roll Camera,
Action…..wait..

Lights,
Sound,
Roll Camera,
Roll Cockroaches,
Action!

Sweeper opens the poly bag and cockroaches got their freedom once again but instead of proceeding towards the 'ready' Heroin they turned back and marched towards the film unit. Now every member of the crew was giving "pure strange, puzzled plus frightened expressions" except the Heroin and the Sweeper. Villain ran for his life and vanished into the Make-Up-Vanity-Van of the Heroin. Many cockroaches vanished in this event but at last few heterosexual cockroaches returned towards the heroin and film unit resumed the film shoot.

Now, 30 seconds of villain's face expression.

"Dark room…you walk towards helpless lady...give me those classic expressions, Paapi ji. You are such a versatile rapist of our film industry but those memorable vintage expressions you gave in 'Pappi le le' (Kiss Me), 'Dushashan' (A horny mythological character and wanna be rapist), etc are missing…..okay think of your wife seducing you."

Paapi – Ugh...Yaak!! Actually, I feel nothing new. Even when I walk towards my wife smiling to ask for tea or something...she calls Police saying that I am attempting a marital rape....man.

Director – Okay, cool down, sir, think of my wife....

Paapi – Haaaaaa!

Director – That’s my rapist! Now you have to walk towards the two cameras with this face...Lean on the ground camera....Foreplay with the two cameras....there is a Sari, blouse, etc, beside the ground camera pull everything....oh why I am telling you all this, you are a pro...and..and sir though we are covering your upper body but give us some pelvic thrusts you were expert in giving in your struggling days as a Background Dancer. Ready! Okay then....

Lights,
Sound,
Roll Camera,
Roll Villain,
Action!

Paapi – Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha....come on, Baby, Ha Ha Ha...I can’t wait..

Director whispers – "Sir, the pelvic thrusts from mid air..."

Paapi – Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Misbalanced Paapi falls on the camera and breaks himself and the camera.

Director – Idiot, I suggested him to take a break from his monotonous roles and he broke himself...Pack Up!!!!!!!


The End.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

थम जा...





मैंने अपने आस-पास ऐसे बहुत से लोग देखे है जो थोड़े से मज़े या तारीफ़ के लिए ऐसे काम कर बैठते है की जिनकी वजह से वो अपनी और दूसरो की जान खतरे मे डाल बैठते है खासकर ऐसा सडको पर उन्मादी लोग करते है जिनको लगता है की उनकी तेज़ स्पीड सभी को इम्प्रेस कर रही है......but as they say "Speeding. No one thinks big of you."

मत प्यार कर रफ्तार से,
कुछ मज़ा ले इंतज़ार मे.
जीकर मिलेगी जीत जो,
मत बदल उसे इस हार से.
लानी है अगर रफ्तार तो...
उसको ला अपने संसार मे....

ये तेज़ दौड़ किस मतलब की?
दिखावा...वो भी "प्यार" मे?
मत बढा गम को गिरवी रख के ख़ुशी,
कुछ कद्र कर....ये है ज़िन्दगी...

देख जो लोग भीड़ मे पिसते...
हर एक से बंधे है ना जाने कितने रिश्ते..
दूसरो के लिए अपनी आँखें खोल,
किसी की मौत के बाद रिश्ते नहीं बिकते मोल...

जनून को दिल मे पाल,
मत चढा उसे सर पर...
बस एक गलती बनती है घर और शमशान का अंतर.

खुद को आजमाने के बहुत मौके आयेंगे,
सड़क पर चलते लोग रोज़ अपना काम करेंगे...
तेरी रफ़्तार देख कर थम नहीं जायेंगे....

अपने हुनर दिखाने की जगह पड़ी है कई..
सड़क पर लापरवाही जमती नहीं...

मोल गया बचपन

खिलखिलाता बचपन जैसे रूठ गया,
धुन्दला सा गाँव पीछे कहीं छूट गया.

अभी तो 'उसे' माँ के आँचल मे था सोना,
खेत खलियानों मे था खोना,
नन्ही आँखों से सपनो को था संजोना,
उसका बचपन वापस दो ना.

फिर एक मासूम काम की तरफ मुड़ा,
रोटी के लिए मेहनत करने वाले छोटूओ मे एक छोटू और जुड़ा.

बर्तनों से खेलता,
दिन भर मालिक के ताने झेलता,
वो गिरता...लडखडाता,
अपनी भावनाओ को क्या खूबी से छुपाता.

अपनी हर इच्छा मारकर दूसरो के 'आर्डर' लेता,
पगार की आस मे अपना हर दुख सहता.

नन्हे कंधो पर डलवा दे जो दुनियादारी,
ऐसी दौलत हराम की है सारी,
क्यों नहीं ये समाज शर्म से डूब मरता,
जिसे आगे बढ़ने के लिए बच्चो का सहारा है लेना पड़ता.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

My Island Trip

By 9-Year-Old Mohit....

We went to an island,
Full of beaches and sand.
The wind was blowing fast,
We set our camp at last.

The mountains were high,
..Caves were dark,
There was also fear of sharks.

The day was warm,
The night was cool,
Water was all around like a huge swimming pool.

Everywhere we found coconut,
But the problem with them was...how to cut?
The spring provided us water,
As well as natural shower.

Fishing, swimming were other activities,
Which were time pass keys.
In the end, I would like to say,
Explore new things everyday!

Social Modeling

A young couple from a European Country Tom and Trisha were on a World Tour. After few weeks of mixed adventure in African Countries they reached India.....their first stop in Asia. They were roaming on the bumpy roads to get the real feel of India.

Tom - "Darling, look at that...."

Trisha - "Who? Mahatma Gandhi?"

Tom - "Why do you have only four guesses for every new thing and surprise in India? There are billion of people and things In India apart from Taj Mahal, Kama Sutra, Handicrafts and Of Course Mahatma Gandhi."

Tom - "Look at that poor soul on the side of the pavement."

Trisha -"Oh, wounded, poor man, using a copy of 'Public Times' to hide his privates."

Tom - "We must help him."

The couple rushed towards that 'Poor Soul'.

Trisha - "Tom, give him your old...er...new shirts and trousers."

Tom - "We should call the Doctor first and offer him some packed food. He is shivering...BIG TIME..'Hey man, we are right here for you. You need something? Feel free to ask anything.'"

The Poor Soul stares at Trisha and Tom alters his promise in his earlier sentence.

Tom - "....I mean not anything."

Annoyed Poor Soul shouted.

"What's your problem man?"

Tom - "You are wounded......you were shivering...we want to help you."

"O, Come on! Not again...for Devil's sake.....this...that's why I was 'shivering'."

Poor Soul setting his long hairs back showed the couple his latest I-Pod and ear plugs.

Trisha - "An I-Pod....you have...."

"Ya, I have an I-Pod....by the way, do me a favor..."

Trisha - "What?"

"Please download the latest anti-virus on my Lap Top and Leap Top. These Fuckers..I meant Hackers are making my life hell."

Tom - "We thought that India is a developing poor country and you surely looked like a Beggar."

"Well, mates, this is my profession."

Trisha - "Begging?"

"O, no....no...I am a Social Model."

Tom - "...and What's that? Never heard about Social Modeling before."

"Actually, I regularly travel in various states, cities and villages of India and work temporarily for Non Governmental Organizations (N.G.O.s) working for many social causes. According to the needs of my clients I pose in different make-ups, get-ups receiving money, gifts, help, aid, etc, from the members of N.G.O.s....they use my photos to gather money and grants from Public, Government, Corporates and he he...Foreign Countries. I was waiting for my client....and you people just...."

After few minutes Doctor (called by Tom) arrived at the scene and was attending Tom and Trisha....both fainted in shock.


The End!


India is estimated to have around 1-2 million NGOs....huh!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

'अच्छा' बंधन

Mauke milne par mujhe wo satati,
Par har kisi se shaitaan mujhe batati,
Upar se har shararat ka credit mujhe dilvati.

Waise to wo bahut kum khaati,
Par fast food, chocolate, soft drinks, par ladne marne tak baat pahunch jaati.

Didi ki har cheez samay par tayyar ho jaati,
Ek mai tha jisko school kay liye hamesha Mommy tayyar karvati,
Bachpan bhar mai sochta raha ki wo apni books par kis cheez se cover hai chadhati.

Khud se koi kaam bigad jaata to ro-peet kar bach jaati,
Meri baari mey mujhe khoob chidhati.

Apni cheezon kay liye mujhe zabardasti bazaar daudati,
Pata nahi kaise jaan boojh kar itne paise deti thi ki unka samaan to poora aa jaaye par mujhe naa mil paaye ek bhi toffee.

Raksha Bandhan, Kanjak, Bhaiya dooj, par khoob paise bhunati,
Jisme se badi mushkil se apne chhote bhai ko koi 'chijee' dilvati.

Mai bhi unhe bahut satata,
Par kai baar raat mey darr lagne par unke bed par so jaata.

Waqt guzra aur unki shaadi ka din aaya,
Unke saath guzra har pal...vaakya mujhe yaad aaya,
Mai phir se darr gaya.....
Mujhe apni didi ko khoney ka darr lag raha tha.

'Taaron ki chhaon' mey unki doli utthi,
Mai bas yahi manata raha ki abhi wo utarkar mujhse pehle ki tarah ladengi.

Bahut rulati hai,
Bahut yaad aati hai,
Jab behan vida ho kar jaati hai.

Monday, August 2, 2010

सूना बचपन in 'Pothiz'

My poem "सूना बचपन" published in the inaugural issue of "Pothiz" magazine July 2010. Source - Pothi.com





वो किसी की गोद मे चढ़ता,
अपनों के कपड़े गंदे करता,
पहले सहारे से.... और फ़िर एक दिन ख़ुद चलता.
लडखडाती चाल से चीज़ें बिगाड़ता,
फ़िर तुतलाती जुबां से मदद को पुकारता,
बड़े भाई - बहिन पर गुस्सा उतारता.

स्कूल ना जाने की जिद करता,
कार्टून्स देखने के लिए लड़ मरता.
छुपकर डब्बे मे कीडे - मकोडे पालता,
क्या होता है देखने के लिए.....पौधों मे शैंपू का पानी डालता.
२ और २ को जोड़ ना पता,
नई फिल्मो के ग़लत गाने गाता.
पर उसने ऐसा कुछ नही किया,
....शायद दूसरे अनाथो की तरह वो भी बचपन मे बड़ा हो गया.

AIDS Sufferer Vampire


Place : A Private Hospital, India.

"Doctor, Haaaaaaaaaa!"

Doctor engrossed in a report "Sore throat, Cough and Cold...second floor, room number 19."

But this was a special case.

"Doctor....haaaaaaaa!"

At last, Doctor looking at the visitor "Jeeeeeez..Yuck...wak ...what a Buggy..go to the next building?"

"What for?"

Doctor - "That building is Theater and Movie Studio and you were going there...but in confusion and hurry bumped in here."

"No...haaaaaa!"

Doctor - "Okay, so you are nervous before your performance or screen test. You wanna rehearse and are practicing here...O Come on, 'Pee-Pee Man' this is a Hospital."

"I am Desi Vampire...somebody 're-killed' me few decades ago and buried my body near the sewer.....today some freaky stuff (ya..even for me) along with bumper-decomposed gases leaked at my place from that gutter....and I guess that's enough inspiration...er..irritation for me to rise again and rule the world."

Doctor - "I am a Doctor....not a kid...and you are a normal person trying to imitate some cheap TV program's weak Vampire...."

Desi Vampire - "Okay, then...call your peon..kiddo."

Doctor - "Shambhoo....."

Shambhu - "Haaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Doctor - "Oh! Shambhoo looks like an sucked elastic Bamboo...Okay you win...you are a Vampire....I mean wow you are so great....the ultimate Yo Man...I love you. So...now what? Are you going to suck my...."

Desi Vampire - "Haaaaaa!"

Doctor - "..I mean drink my Blood, easy my Lord....but why are you telling me all this...Is this your Modus Operandi...he he...What the fuc....awesome!"

Desi Vampire - "I was on my way to 'suck' people and soon I came to this Hospital...I bit a patient (who laughed instantly when I went there) and drank few liters of blood but after that I feel like....sick...my hairline receded, my vision needs a Bifocal with a Telescope and a Microscope...since then I am tolerating a voice "peeeeeeeeeeeeee" in my ears....even I went to Toilet couple of times but still this "Peeeee" is on....what's worst is that one of my 'showpeice' fangs broked right outside your office when I was 'busy' with your peon Shambhoo. That's why I told you all this...Please help me."

Doctor - "You are feeling weak and sick."

Desi Vampire - "Yes, like somebody sucked me. No energy left.."

Doctor - "That first victim of yours in this Hospital was in which ward...."

Desi Vampire - "Ground Floor..Right section, I don't remember the name of that ward."



Doctor - Oh My God! That's the ward for AIDS patients.

Desi Vampire - And what's that?

Doctor - AIDS stands for Acquired Immuno Deficiency Syndrome. It's a new disease invented...I mean discovered in later half of 20th Century...I guess you were buried for more than 5-6 decades...I am sorry you sucked an AIDS patient....so now you are H.I.V. Positive....your immune system is getting weaker with every passing second because you consumed quite a lot from that patient. It's too late now.

Desi Vampire -Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

Doctor - Don't worry you can still become an integrated part of this society....Our Hospital provides free medical and counseling facilities to AIDS patients.

The End!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Over?

I don't know why I am writing this but.....

I see India’s education system as a stumbling block towards its objectives of achieving inclusive growth. Millions of people join workforce but most of them lack requisite skills and the mindset for productive employment. There are numerous fields in which one can make his career according to his interests and aptitude but in India the number of 'respectable' fields which provide financial security are limited. Majority of parents force or brainwash their children to choose (and like) subjects which are related to these prestigious jobs. Somewhere general Indian education system is result of this widespread, generalized thinking, it offers selected subjects at Primary level, Secondary Level and Senior Secondary level. After school there are a lot of options in which one can make his/her career but very less people opt vocational courses like Security Services, Fine Arts, Garment Stitching, Dairy Farming, Retail Marketing, etc. Everyone wants to be an Engineer, Doctor, Manager, Accountant, Banker, etc. Indian education system follows mainly 10 + 2 + 3 pattern.

10 = High School (common syllabus),

+ 2 = Intermediate (where student opts for streams with subject combination of his/her interests like Commerce Stream, Biology Stream, Arts Stream, Mathematics Stream. There are many Regional and 2 National Boards CBSE, ICSE (ISC) for education till Intermediate.

+ 3 = Graduation (4 years for Engineering courses)

+ (followed by different Post Graduate Courses of varied nature and durations)

To be a desirable and eligible candidate the Certificates, Degrees, Mark Sheets. etc related to each of these levels is very important. A "throughout first division" term is used for people who manage to score 60% or above marks in their academics at least till graduation.

In High School subjects offered (5) were Mathematics, Science (Chemistry, Physics, Biology), Social Studies (History, Geography, Civics, Economics), English, Hindi. I liked General Knowledge, Current Affairs, Reasoning, English & Hindi literature, Art, Sports, Computers. Unfortunately , majority of things I loved were not covered in my school syllabus or were Grading Subjects which were not added in our total marks. Classes of Grading Subjects were very rare and casual. Nobody bothered about these subjects. There were 54 Students in my class 10 – A2 (English Medium), other popular medium was Hindi. The A1 batch was original English Medium batch of RLB Vikas Nagar Sector 3 Branch and we A2 section were transferred from other primary branch Vikas Nagar Sector 6 of the same school. Most of us in our batch were classmates for years. I got admission in the school in Class 6 when my family moved from Agra to Lucknow.

After passing class 8 the secondary school level was whole new and challenging thing. My academic performance was average and I was happy initially that I am not in the spot light for right or wrong reasons. The aggregate marks of students in Quarterly Unit Tests, Half Yearly Examinations ranged from 35% to 80%. Though, in Board exams (10 Finals) organized by CBSE the marking was lenient in comparison to school exams. I scored between 55% to 65% in these exams in the final exam of class 9 I scored 70%. Though, ranks were assigned to top 15 students out of 54. If ranks were given to all (which were informally calculated by us) my rank was always in the bracket of 20 to 35. But I still was in spot light because of my extreme and contrasting performance. I remember more than once that I scored highest in a subject and lowest in another. My marks fluctuated from 80 to less than 35. Amazingly, My aggregate score was always around 60%. Teachers...confused how to handle rare cases like me tagged me under 'Careless Students', 'Weak', etc.

I'd a crush on a girl in my class. In primary years we were unknown to each other. Finally, we talked a few times in class 9. Unfortunately, I was super shy and she initiated all the little conversations we had....and then arrived the villain "The First Unit Test" of class 9. I scored 59% (failed in a subject and scoring more than 80 in other two) and she 72%. Instantly, I found myself out of her league. An unsaid gap kept me away from her....It was not insecurity because I knew that I am good in few other things and everything differs from person to person.

Regular comments on my marks and work by teachers reminded me of this gap whenever I wanted to approach her. I remember there was a General Knowledge Quiz contest in which I wanted to participate. My teacher called me and shouted in front of whole class "first, you learn to pass in my subject..." Whoa! I studied hard suppressing my hobbies like comics, books, music, sports, etc but it was too late I scored 80% in 10 Board Exams to fill the gap....but she scored 87%. Gap was narrowed but not filled. We are on Facebook and other Social Networking sites (not friends) with many common friends but the gap is still there. Maybe in future.......

Mind you, I am as they say "throughout first divisioner". :)

Side effects of eternally secret crush!

Her friend (lets call her K) often shared bench with her caught me staring in their direction a few times, thought I liked her (K). No comments on her but one thing I knew for sure was that she really liked TV Serials, Dramas ..why? Because she told everyone..even my friends that I was after her. To imitate cheap shows and get spotlight. I think along with bench Miss K shared this thing (plus her framed stories/scenes) with Miss Crush.